Here is a letter we recently received from a client. Reading this makes me proud of what we do and the wonderful people who work here. No one here does it for the money; we do it so that women like this can become survivors.
To Whom it Concerns,
I am a single mother with two sons, ages 5 and 9. This is my story about overcoming domestic violence and the people who helped me make it happen.
In October 2009 my children were 4 and 8 and I was still married to my husband of 9-1/2 years. Our family had spent the past 4 years struggling with money issues due to the economy. My husband had given up, turned to self- medication (pot, every day) and violent video games. He hid himself away for hours and hours. He had simply checked out.
In the meantime, the children and I spent our time avoiding Dad because when he did appear he was volatile, irritable and critical. He was terribly depressed. He screamed, threw plates of food, threw furniture, threatened to beat me in front of the children. The whole thing took a toll on us all. My 3rd grader who was normally a very bright and creative person had stopped doing his art and simply couldn’t concentrate on anything anymore because he had been told over and over by his Dad about how were losing our home. He was graded as reading at a 1st grade level in 3rd grade. My kindergartner just checked out too and was in his own little world. He ignored the violence because to him it seemed normal, he didn’t react at all to it - he’d just go play with something as if nothing unusual had happened.
During the last year our family was still together, I tried three times to leave him, taking the children to my parents for a few days, then begging my husband to get himself together before the family crumbled, each time coming back and trying to fix things. In my mind I was trying to honor my marriage commitment, and trying to keep it so my sons had a father. I never thought about myself. As a wife, mother, homemaker, caregiver, and support person, this was conditioning and my role in life.
On Oct. 22, I took the kids to school and came home and began packing, that was when he assaulted me. I didn’t try to fight him, my husband is 5’11’’ and 230 lbs. and an ex-football player and I’m 5’3”, 145 lbs. He came behind me and lifted me in the air and threw me across the living room into a dresser hitting my arm, he picked me up again and threw me across the room again into the couch. I tried to get up and was shoved very hard back down on my face. I tried to get up again and run but was lifted off the ground so my feet didn’t touch the floor and was drug down the hall while he screamed at me to get into the bedroom and I wasn’t going anywhere. Knowing that the shotgun and baseball bat were in our bedroom, knowing that he was severely mentally snapped this time and envisioning my children without a mother living with crazy people, I began to panic and scream for my life, grabbing at walls, door frames and anything to keep him from pulling me into that bedroom. I found the doorknob on a hall closet and held on for dear life. He yanked my arms and torso trying to pull me off the door again and again. He then saw me eyeing my purse and keys by the front door for escape. He let go for a second and dove on my purse to keep it from me. I leaped over him and ran out the door, barefoot, beat up and looking for anyone to help me. I ran up the street and found a neighbor who called the police for me. Luckily a policeman was cruising the area and took the call to come immediately; my husband was arrested for felony spousal abuse.
That night my husband was in jail, I called a few friends and they helped me pack what clothes I could think of to take into large green plastic leaf bags and grab important papers, my computer and TV and the kids two twin size mattresses and left. I was too injured to do the packing myself. I took the children from their beds in the middle of the night and went to my friend’s house. This was the last night my children spent in their own home since then. This is all that I got out with. I felt like a fire victim who got a few things out, but basically lost their whole lives.
A few days later, I got a restraining order. Another few days later, I filed for divorce. I did all this on advice from others who care about me and my kids. I was in a daze. Looking back, I realize it was what had to happen. About a month later, I found myself stuck with almost $1,000 in utility bills and no money for the kids and I to live on, so I was encouraged to go to San Bernardino County Transitional Assistance for help. I walked up to the information window in tears and said I was a victim of domestic violence and I needed help. They gave me applications to fill out for Calworks and made an appointment for me to see Ms. Annette. I went in and spilled my story to her, and she immediately sent me to see Tracey with the High Desert Domestic Violence Program who had an office down the hall. I again spilled my story, and thus began the process of getting me and my kids REAL HELP. Between Annette and Tracey, I was set up for cash aid, food stamps, medical health insurance and counseling. With the cash aid, I was able to pay the utility bills and avoid my credit being ruined, which was invaluable because I wouldn’t be able to move into a new place on my own with bad credit. The food stamps kept us fed and the medical and helped me get treatment for my injuries from the assault. I then started to receive one-on-one weekly counseling with Tracey and was also referred to weekly group therapy at Option House in San Bernardino. Both were invaluable to my recovery, both did something different and helpful for me. I spent about 4 months in therapy there. After this, I was ready to move on to job searching and I in the Calworks program where I attended 1 week of job readiness, followed by 6 weeks of job search.
I not only found a job, I found a good job and am happy to report that I am off cash aid as of June 30. My children are so proud of me and we are very excited to start our new lives.
I understand that many of these programs are on the cutting block due to the economy, but I am here to tell you that I could not have made it in such a short time without these invaluable programs. This is so important, because my kids don’t have years to recover, time goes by so fast in childhood years. My 3rd grader has made such a turn around, I worked with his teacher to get him extra tutoring all year and he’s now reading at 4th grade level, not 1st. And he’s doing his art again, with real interest and joy. My youngest is still a work in progress. The challenge to make him change his mind-set that violence is not normal is still there. Through counseling, I learned that the youngest ones are hit the worst when there’s violence in the family. Their brains are developing so fast and it’s already deep set in their minds. It will take much longer to undo the mind-set and for all of us, we’re still healing. They witnessed the abuse inflicted upon me - it was impossible to hide the bruises on my body that lasted 2 months. They know where it came from, they know their Dad only gets to see them for 2 hours every two weeks with a stranger supervising (the social worker).
It is my hope that in time, their father will face his problems, but the chances are slim. I will never go back to him. He crossed the line and I can never trust him again. He continues to deny he did anything wrong and that it’s all my fault, he has gotten 8 continuances on his criminal charges and as a result, the restraining order was made permanent until 2013. Maybe by then, some of that might be resolved, but for now it is my responsibility to make as good a life as possible for my kids. As I said, kids don’t have years for recovery, their need it NOW while their minds are developing the foundation for their whole future.
I want to express my deep appreciation for everyone who has helped me and my children. I am encouraged by all the support I keep meeting along with way in my journey. My brother is now a volunteer at a women’s domestic violence shelter in my honor. My new job is at a non-profit which serves the poor and low-income. I have much to offer because of my experiences. I know there are many women and children out there who will need this help in the future.
Best Regards,
A Survivor
San Bernardino, CA
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